Virginia Woolf

I feel certain I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate.

So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier till this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read.

What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that - everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer.

I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been.

V.’

-

Virginia Woolf’s suicide note to her husband Leonard

Get out, explore.
Thrive.
Challenge authority. Challenge yourself.
Evolve.
Change forever.
Become who you say you always will. Keep moving. Don’t stop. Start the revolution. Become a freedom fighter. Become a superhero. Just because everyone doesn’t know your name doesn’t mean you don’t matter.
Are you happy? Have you ever been happy? What have you done today to matter? Did you exist or did you live? How did you thrive?
Become a chameleon-fit in anywhere. Be a rockstar-stand out everywhere. Do nothing, do everything. Forget everything, remember everyone. Care, don’t just pretend to. Listen to everyone. Love everyone and nothing at the same time. Its impossible to be everything, but you can’t stop trying to do it all.
All I know is that I have no idea where I am right now. I feel like I am in training for something, making progress with every step I take. I fear standing still. It is my greatest weakness.
I talk big, but often don’t follow through. That’s my biggest problem. I don’t even know what to think right now. It’s about time I start to take a jump. Fuck starting to take. Just jump-over everything. Leap.
It’s time to be aggressive. You’ve started to speak your mind, now keep going with it, but not with the intention of sparking controversy or picking a germane fight. Get your gloves on, it’s time for rebirth. There IS no room for the nice guys in the history books.
THIS IS THE START OF A REVOLUTION. THE REVOLUTION IS YOUR LIFE. THE GOAL IS IMMORTALITY. LET’S LIVE, BABY. LET’S FEEL ALIVE AT ALL TIMES. TAKE NO PRISONERS. HOLD NO SOUL UNACCOUNTABLE, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR OWN. IF SOMETHING DOESN’T HAPPEN, IT’S YOUR FAULT.
Make this moment your reckoning. Your head has been held under water for too long and now it is time to rise up and take your first true breath.
Do everything with exact calculation, nothing without meaning. Do not make careful your words, but make no excuses for what you say. Fuck em’ all. Set a goal for everyday and never be tired.”

— Brian Krans (A Constant Suicide)

I have a lot running through my head at the moment. More than anyone knows, a lot of my friends know bits and pieces, and those are bad enough. I know, KNOW to say it all would be too much, even I would not like anyone to come to me with something like this… What’s the point of sharing information, a problem, no one can help you fix? One there is no solution for? What’s the point?

I feel I need a new shrink here in Milan, just to get everything sorted and organised, prioritised, fixed, the best way to start again.. Or continue and move on. 

I was going to write a list here. I realise that would be a very bad idea, sharing with the world, that which the closest people in my life have no clue about… Well, that would be bad. 

I also think if I listed everything it would be like I’m asking for something in return, forgiveness, pity, understanding. Yet, I know I absolutely don’t want that… I just want to be left alone until I sort out my shit. I know I’ve been saying this for years, yes, the fact that I have and I am still saying this is what scares me… Shit looks like there is no solution. 

I’m not sure if how I feel right now is really sad and teary eyed or just the extra extra dose of valium… But isn’t that supposed to make me mellow? 

Its Friday night. You’re young and beautiful. PARTY. 

I am not sure. I feel like something has changed in me… Well, not changed, more like, intensified. I feel like whatever was driving me before has abandoned me, or vanished, now all I see and feel is reality. It’s not fun to be so aware, and only so much more aware of the fucked up stuff. Especially when the fucked up stuff is all you’ve got. 

So what Milan hasn’t been what I expected. A smart, good, positive person will make it work, right? Why instead am I trying to find alternatives, I was always the kind of person who knew they would work for themselves, start their own business, do their own thing… I did not get into fashion to work for a big luxury brand owned by some family who will only ever let me get ‘this far’. I respect the independent designers who do their own thing (even when they somehow get mad sponsorship and shit famous), I respect talent. I respect ambition, creativity and drive. All qualities I do sometimes question in myself. I feel like I came here to join the cult of blah and blah. 

So what is the alternative?

Is there a chance for an alternative here? Is London as good as it gets? Or was that NEW york? 

If you wanted to start your own fashion business (AND this is NOT saying I have some secret plan), would you come here, or go to New York? Paris? I am not ashamed or scared of being poor. I would rather ten people wear something I had a direct influence over, than hundreds wearing what had been discussed in a boardroom. 

This rant has completely lost a point. 

The solution to this is very simple and very clear. YET all the other things make me feel stuck, I have to prioritise my sanity over any ambitions. They will wreck each other. 

Most importantly. If I do not fix all of this, if i do not fix this so that I can learn to be a happier person, even if all I wanted came through, some accidental opportunity… I may not notice, I don’t want to miss my chance because I was vaguely present under a haze of antidepressants, or like, not sleeping and blank. 

No I am not a pill junkie. You are reading WAY too much into this. 

I am just someone who is tired of pretending that my life has not been controlled by recurring types of clinical depression for the past four years of it. 

I am tired of playing it down.

Lying to my friends about why I cannot do this and that. 

The fucked up thing about this, about this particular brand of headfuck, is that you ‘get it’. You can be born with depressive tendencies and survive, move on, have a normal life etc, however as a female, if you are born like this, and then are unlucky enough to have one too many fucked up things interfere with you, with your life, your sense of security and being. Then you wake up one morning completely in control, until you’re not, then someone says you may be bipolar so you throw your Macbook at them (true story).

Again. What really ticks me off is that it is not something that was always there, it was brought on my situations beyond my control. These situations are still present, hence the ups, downs and in betweens. I feel if I was a much more able person, I will be dealing with all of this differently. After all, I am not the fist or last person to have or ever will go through something like this. Why does it cripple me so much?

I am going to make a butternut squash pancake now. 

Perhaps I’ll post a stolen recipe.

jujubarnes:

“When I think about forever, I get upset. Like the Land-O-Lakes butter has that Indian girl sitting holding a box and it has a picture of her on it holding a box with a picture of her holding a box with a picture of her holding a box.”

(Source: thechosenjuan, via ididntknowwhy-deactivated201012)