Dear Jesus H Christ,
I need more money. Or a job at Isabel Marant, or enough money so the net a porter discount I could probably swag will make these items seem… Cheaper.
I did not ask for this obsession.
Image: Isabel Marant Fall/Winter 2011
The major winged black eyeliner, the rolled up skinny jeans and pants, the understated black pump, the unstyled hair, the minimal makeup, the slouchy knits and the big faux fur coat… Everything. Freja Beha.
Today.
I can finally admit that the deeply hidden issue has been resurrected. I knew this would happen, I hoped it wouldn’t. I suppose it is perfectly normal for problems in remission to resurface at times of stress, moving, boy issues, friend issues… Change.
I need control.
Today. I wrote about three thousand words, non of which I would dare publish here, maybe one day in the future, when I have read and re read. Edited so much it’s suddenly fiction.
Today. I opened up to a friend about a relationship with another friend. Sometimes you need to share something, to make sense of what’s real… Or at least this is what I am telling myself as the anxiety that appeared immediately the words were shared is still making me jumpy. Today at the gym I felt like a cow, this is not the issue here.
Today it became clear that this is not loneliness. I don’t miss anyone, everyone I had, I still have…
As the weekend approaches I realise that this week I over committed myself. As usual. From now on, whenever this happens I will try not to shut down and bow out, from now on when this happens I will try to do three things. Just the three easiest ones.
This weekend, I want to be with a friend I know, I am not sure about new people, even though I know it’s a necessary step in a new country, I am not sure I want to play pretend… I really cannot talk about fashion, music, culture, news. I have no new interests, no new thoughts that will be socially acceptable to share. I want to be with people who know me. Know that I may not be as much of an airhead as I seem, as I act, but do not try to make me act otherwise.
I have the dumbest conversations with the smartest person I know. Sometimes we talk about cheese… All day. Sometimes we don’t.
Today (yesterday) at about one pm I fell in love.